A Sweaty Sleepless Sunday

I just watched a very interesting segment on 60 minutes about a family’s ‘cancer curse’ as they so charmingly called it. I was expecting some kind of rare cancer to be discussed, but low and behold, it was the Breast Cancer ‘BRAC2’ gene mutation they were discussing. The timing of this is quite impeccable considering that I anxiously wait to meet my breast surgeon tomorrow to discuss my impending double mastectomy which is a result of my own faulty BRAC1 mutation. Not only this, but I also find out whether the chemo is actually working.

Tomorrow is a HUGE pivotal day for me, one that I’ve basically been waiting for since I was diagnosed over 3.5 months ago. Tomorrow the waiting game will be over to a degree in that I’ll finally have some answers.

Prior to my first surgery in Phuket we thought that there was just one large tumour however after surgery we were advised that there was in fact two tumours. For some reason, the small one was not removed. It was not until we arrived back in Sydney after I had a MRI and Scan that I was aware that this was the case. So 2.5months ago at the time of my scan the specialist inserted a small clip onto the tumour so that we could monitor its growth, or hopefully shrinkage, during the course of chemo treatment. So tomorrow is the day!

I just hope that is has shrunk, or even better, has disappeared. As long as it has not grown, then I’ll be as happy as Larry. Despite deep down knowing conventional chemo treatment is the right option for me as a 31 yr old  triple negative breast cancer patient, the mind still breeds doubt and questions it sometimes. The past 9 weeks of treatment has been really challenging on a mental level. Obviously chemo takes a toll on me physically, knocking me about from day to day, but it’s a real mental battle trying to outweigh the pros and cons of it all, that poses as the real issue. For a good 4-5 days post chemo I can smell and taste the toxic chemicals in the back of my throat and sinus which make me gag, and makes me wonder what the hell am I doing?  When I’m an emotional heap on the floor with a foggy bald heavy head, a dry revolting metallic tasting mouth, and have nausea rising in the pit of my tummy, it’s easy to wonder whether it’s all worth the pain. So tomorrow will be a great indicator of this.

How am I going to sleep tonight? If I thought the hot flushes kept me awake during the night, then I think tonight I’ve got another thing coming.

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