Grief, loss and pain. We have all felt these heartbreaking emotions at some point. You fall apart, you break. You wonder whether you are ever going to move forward, regain that wholeness you once felt before things shattered inside, and around you.
The indescribable fear of wondering whether the cancer had spread or whether the chemo will destroy my fertility ripped me apart inside. I was a broken mess….
But then a beautiful friend who was suffering an unimaginable trauma of her own, introduced me to the Hindu mythological goddess, Akhilandeshvari: The Goddess of Never Not Broken. A comfort I can’t describe presented itself through this alternate and very welcomed perspective. Rather than fear the mess, I began to embrace it.
Akhilandeshvari is a Hindu Goddess whose power lies in her ability to break apart, again and again, putting her broken self back together again and again as a more powerful version of herself. She is the personification of annihilation and rebirth.
When you feel in a state of flux, of utter despair, totally lost and overwhelmed by confusion, it can be terrifying. It’s the fear of the unknown, of losing control, of breaking apart that makes you wonder whether you will ever be whole again. But it’s at this moment when we have hit rock bottom, at our most vulnerable that we are indeed at our most powerful. Its here that we have the choice to decide how we react to this moment of trauma and decide how to transform.
Akhilandeshvari is the epitome of transforming pain into strength. She teaches us to find the light in dark times, to face fear and embrace it. She embodies power and generates light in the cracks from the chaos. She rides a crocodile which in itself symbolizes her choice to reject fear, but rather to go with it, to grab hold and simply ride it.
“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and it’s spectacular.” – Joseph Campbell
She reminds us that if we are broken then there is only one solution: to put the shattered pieces back together, to rebuild, re-create and gather momentum in a more powerful and beautiful way then it was before. YOU get to choose how you put yourself back together. YOU choose your reaction. YOU choose how you transform into a better version of yourself.
Life isn’t static, it’s in a constant state of flux throwing curveballs in the form of cancer and heart ache in the form of loss and grief. But with these challenges lies an unlimited potential for change which ultimately can result in personal growth. So like Akhilandeshvari, I’m choosing to jump on this chemo crocodile, grabbing hold with two hands down this cascading river hoping for something magical.
Falling apart and becoming broken over and over again is apart of our existence. It’s also part of our survival.